Aimee K
A month ago at dinner my family was discussing a gospel/church related topic and we found ourselves with opposite opinions on the matter. I was told that I was contending and that the conversation wasn’t productive.
It’s hard in the moment to accept criticism, especially when one feels strongly about a particular subject and additionally when one doesn’t feel heard. It’s nothing new, unfortunately. I felt boxed in again.
I’ve always been a much stronger writer than a speaker because the format provides me space to carefully chose my words.
Contemplating the charge in quiet hours later that night, rather than dismiss the possibility I considered it’s validity. After spending some time looking deeply into the meaning of the word contention, I also unpacked many words affiliated with disagreement trying to figure out a scriptural path for persuasion.
And if we fail to make the persuasive case, then the problem is not others, the problem is that we’ve yet to figure out how to be sufficiently knowledgeable so as to bring them aboard.
“That We Might Become One,” Jan. 14, 2018, 4, 6–7
Disagreement
Disagreement is an inevitable aspect of the human condition in community, but is only acceptable so long as it is respectful. What is disagreement?
Disagreement:
- Difference, either in form or essence; dissimilitude; diversity; as the disagreement of two ideas, of two pictures, of two stories or narrations.
- Difference of opinion or sentiments.
“Joseph Smith once remarked that the problem with councils and conferences is that we wouldn’t agree to hold our disagreements long enough in order to reach a proper resolution. We have to be willing to allow for differences as we search for the solution. Sometimes the solution requires years of differing opinions, differing viewpoints, differing ways of approaching things. That’s not evil. It’s only evil when we allow that to crowd our hearts in such a way that we begin to envy and be jealous and be resentful and be hateful and to have our pride injured. If we are charitable, then we look upon the things we think are the shortcomings of someone else in a way that is tolerant and kindly. We think Zion is going to be the great, peaceful community, and it surely will be. But that doesn’t mean that the residents aren’t going to have differing opinions.”
Discord
Closely related to the word disagreement is discord. Discord also means disagreement among persons . However, in the context of music it is a union of sounds which is inharmonious, grating, and disagreeable to the ear. Two melodies composed in different keys may sound uniquely beautiful by themselves. But when played at the same time would create terrible clashing intervals and dissonant combinations.
Take as a practical example two Etudes both written by Chopin. Listen to them one at a time, and then play both simultaneously.
Note: playing simultaneous videos are not possible on a phone. To accept the challenge you’ll need to play them from a computer.
Chopin – Etude Op. 10 No. 5 (Black Keys)
Key of G♭ Major
Chopin – Etude Op. 10 No. 1 (White Keys)
Key of C Major
If people disagree on the key in which to sing, but then insist on performing their melodies at the same time, the overlap creates discord and disharmony. We can apply this to our differences of opinion when expressed at the same time. Talking over one another. Not really hearing the other person, nor appreciating the beauty, insight and perspective that they have. Adding to this metaphor, if two pieces are in nearly the same key yet only a half step apart it creates the greatest dissonance.
If each song is played independently we may find the beauty of the piece without the distracting interference that the simultaneous discord creates.
In scripture, discord is only ever used in relation to some bad actor who is sowing it.
Frowardness is in his heart, he devises mischief continually; he sows discord.
Prov. 6:14
What’s it called when discord takes root between people after being sown?
Jarring
- Shaking; making a harsh sound; discordant.
- A shaking; discord, dispute, collision.
Variance
Certainly people can agree to disagree, and can we can co-exist with varying opinions on many different matters. But when a consensus must be reached, variance is the state within that disagreement that acknowledges that resolution is necessary.
Variance: In a state of difference or want of agreement. Difference that produces dispute or controversy;
Controversy: Agitation of contrary opinions. Disagreement, typically when prolonged, public and sometimes continued in books or in law for months or years.
Dispute: To engage in verbal disagreement; to attempt to disprove by arguments or statements; to attempt to prove to be false, unfounded or erroneous; to controvert; to attempt to overthrow by reasoning. Dispute is often or generally a debate of short duration, a temporary debate.
A dispute is commonly oral and a controversy in writing.
There are two pathways from this state of variance toward resolution: verbal and non-verbal. Disputes are conducted orally, in the moment, and between people in person face-to-face. Controversy is prepared in advance; typically written and published for public consumption.
In person if there is a disagreement that proceeds verbally in dispute the odds are quite low that there will be a resolution where mutual agreement is reached.
Additionally, when having an off the cuff conversation and questions are posed, it’s not usually asked with the sincere intent of getting answers, but rather as a rhetorical tool to conflate the particular topic of discussion. This can be frustrating, because there are answers to the question, but they aren’t quick, especially when the expectation is to provide hard copies of supporting documentation for exact quotes and references. Understandable. Because like Abraham Lincoln famously said, “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
An example of a prepared dispute is a debate, where logical fallacies are avoided including ad hominem personal attacks. Formal debate usually includes a moderator or panel of judges to ensure that both sides are given adequate time to both make their case and rebuttal opposing arguments. Debaters evaluate evidence, anticipate counterarguments, and articulate their positions clearly. Debates are set up to persuade a panel of judges rather than the opponent. In fact, the expectation in a debate is that the opposing sides will hold firmly to their position.
Controversy is undertaken over a much longer period of time, is public and is usually written with the intention to persuade the community. How do we, as a people, engage in controversy today? Emails, website articles, blogs and books.
The controversy on Joseph Smith’s polygamy is a perfect example of this. I personally was persuaded by Rock Waterman’s post on polygamy in 2018. Whitney Horning’s book followed up with all the historical source material, strengthening my personal position. Michelle Stone’s podcast, although not written, is prepared, organized and published for public consumption, and fits the spirit of controversy within a modern context.
Contention
Where we go off the rails is when disagreements continue in dispute and descend into contention.
Molly, my sister and I fell out,
And what do you think it was all about?
She loved coffee and I loved tea,
And that was the reason we couldn’t agree.
Not everything that we disagree on necessarily needs a consensus (i.e. mutual agreement) in order to live in peace. It might be that some of the things we dispute over aren’t really that important in the grand scheme of things, like what to drink at breakfast.
1828 Webster’s Dictionary:
Contention: violent effort to obtain something, struggle; Strife in words or debate; struggle; angry contest;
Strife: Quarrel in anger or enmity; struggle for victory
Quarrel: A breach of friendship, open variance between parties.
Anger: A violent passion of the mind excited by a real or supposed injury; usually accompanied with a propensity to take vengeance, or to obtain satisfaction from the offending party.
Enmity: The quality of being an enemy; the opposite of friendship; ill will; hatred; unfriendly dispositions; malevolence.
I notice that a big part of the definition of contention involves verbally engaging and that, in anger.
According to the Lord, contention is of the devil (3Ne 11:29 LE).
For you to unite I must admonish and instruct you, for my will is to have you love one another. As people, you lack the ability to respectfully disagree among one another. You are as Paul and Peter, whose disagreements resulted in jarring and sharp contentions. Nevertheless, they both loved me and I loved them. You must do better.
T&C 157:3
Disagreements that exist can be respectfully addressed, but it takes much more time than one conversation will accommodate.
Accoutrements of anger include name calling, interruption (i.e. jarring), accusations, insults, assumptions, cruelty, injustice, threats, mocking, oppression, shouting, absurdity and tones that sound rude, snippy, disrespectful, harsh, curt, and dismissive.
Can there be contention if it is written? Modern texting is a form a written communication, however it has the immediacy of a back and forth verbal conversation that can also descend into abusive words and personal attacks.
Just because you don’t LIKE what a person is saying, does not make it contention. Too often we are offended and think the truth is a hard thing to endure (1 Ne 16:1-6 LE, 1 Nephi 5:1 CC).
The atheist caricature of the Lord is often a limp-wristed, effeminate, peace loving hippie who accepts everyone’s truth and everything just as it is. Love is love, man. Even though they don’t believe in Him, they’d prefer Christians to accept their version of Him.
How ought disagreements be handled? How did the Lord do it?
Through controversy.
If that still sounds outrageous, perhaps you aren’t familiar enough with how controversy is used in scripture.
Controversy
Again, controversy is a disagreement that is addressed through prepared, public, often written form.
God has a messenger-prophet write down His words and then these were delivered or re-read to the intended audience.
Hear, O mountains, the Lord’s controversy, and you strong foundations of the earth. For the Lord has a controversy with his people, and he will plead with Israel.
Micah 6:2 KJVHear the word of the Lord, you children of Israel, for the Lord has a controversy with the inhabitants of the land, because there is no truth, nor mercy, nor knowledge of God in the land.
Hosea 4:1 KJVTherefore, prophesy against them all these words and say unto them, The Lord shall roar from on high and utter his voice from his holy habitation; he shall mightily roar upon his habitation, he shall give a shout as they that tread the grapes, against all the inhabitants of the earth. A noise shall come even to the ends of the earth, for the Lord has a controversy with the nations.
Jeremiah 25:30 KJV
“There is no learned man but will confess be hath much profited by reading controversies,–his senses awakened, his judgment sharpened, and the truth which he holds firmly established. If then it be profitable for him to read, why should it not at least be tolerable and free for his adversary to write? In logic they teach that contraries laid together, more evidently appear; it follows then, that all controversy being permitted, falsehood will appear more false, and truth the more true; which must needs conduce much to the general confirmation of an implicit truth.” ~ John Milton
Controversy is like a gift. It takes forethought in what to pack, how to present, carefully wrapped and offered in love.
Dispute
Do you really, really want to get all the words of disagreement off your chest by saying them out loud?
GREAT!
God is listening.
Even strong disagreements should not provoke anger, nor to invoke my name in vain as if I had part in your every dispute. Pray together in humility and together meekly present your dispute to me, and if you are contrite before me, I will tell you my part.
Here we are counseled to bring our dispute to the Lord. Revisiting the definition of dispute, it is the verbal attempt to resolve the disagreement. Controversy is the written or prepared attempt towards resolution. Of course we would pray aloud and verbalize our dispute regarding the disagreements to the Lord directly. But not necessarily to one another. Because dispute (verbal attempts to resolve disagreement) often descends into contention.
City of Peace
I look at my husband and seven children and see them trapped in institutional unbelief. I don’t recall now who shared this metaphor with me, but this state of unbelief was compared to my loved ones being frozen in a block of ice.
I have two options: either allow the light and warmth of the sun to carefully melt them out, or use an ice-pick to force myself in. One takes longer, but the other will injure them in the process.
It won’t be Zion to me if I am alone without my family. My heart would surely break.
In 2018 I wrote to a member of the movement asking for advice. He responded:
Nothing needs to be done in haste. I would be patient and keep your marriage and family intact.
It is the gradual warmth of the increasing light from above that changes the hard Winter into the warmth of Spring. All things testify of Christ. Nature repeatedly testifies of the cycles of creation, and of the return from the sterility of Winter to the growth and blossoming of Springtime. That transition occurs patiently, methodically and gradually. There is nothing abrupt.
You already study the scriptures with your spouse. Continue to do so. Let him set the pace he is willing to accept. However little it may be at the start, as more light comes it is the nature of all mankind to draw closer to that light.You have time. Some years still. Be patient and show by a godly walk that there is more light to be gained by the same path you are on, and he will choose to follow. And so lead and encourage: Gently. Patiently. Lovingly. Kindly.
Who’s in charge around here?
There is always tension between the Spirit and control. The Spirit involves a certain degree of inevitable risk and uncertainty. As Christ states in John 3: 8: “The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.” When men rely upon the Spirit to be the final guide, they often encounter inconvenience and imposition. The Spirit can be most imposing. For this reason, the tension is always against the continuation of inspired, Spirit-filled leadership. Continuity and predictability are needed to preserve an organization. The best way to obtain that continuity and predictability is to impose limits on the Spirit. However, it is the Spirit which ought to take priority, not predictability or organizational convenience.
Eighteen Verses p. 108
How does Zion resolve disagreements without imposing authoritarian control? Especially when we can expect that Zion’s inhabitants will come from every corner of the world, culture and religious background. (Note: If you don’t believe this, you don’t fully appreciate the premise of this website.)
It certainly won’t be by teaching people to “keep sweet”, which is code for “sit down and shut up”.
It will be through controversy. If there is a decision and consensus needed among the people, then let those who care build their case quietly, publish publicly, and patiently let the controversy work itself out. The process may take years depending on what it is on the table.
If there is work to be done, I personally believe that God will ask you directly and you’d better just get to work. The statement of principles could have been easily accomplished, however what we ended up with was too many cooks in the kitchen and unnecessary contention. What did we learn? What ought we have learned?
If there is bread to be baked, why does it need to be just one loaf? Let it be challah, banana bread, sourdough, buttermilk biscuits, naan, ciabatta, bagels, soda bread, pitas, tortillas, baguettes, etc. Let us fatten ourselves in every language. Let us sing in every key… just not at the same time.
Conclusion
This post started with the intention of digging into the particular topic of disagreement with my family from last month. Instead it morphed into a gentle lesson for myself in how to understand both disagreement and persuasion.
The preparation and care that goes into addressing disagreements through controversy are like carefully wrapped presents. Rather than feeling boxed in, I can pack the information and evidence and invite them to consider it. Whether or not they unwrap the gift of my time and effort honors their agency. Meanwhile the controversy can patiently wait, as if under a Christmas tree waiting for morning.
